Apropos nothing, and not talking about The News-
Here’s a monumental invention that’s been hiding it’s light under an Etsy bushel while the world’s scientists continue to slave away in their conventional labs. Yes folks, they said it couldn’t be done but a little known Bristol inventor had gone and invented a time machine. A TIME MACHINE!!!
Wouldn't we love to have one right about now? Alas, its no longer available. Did too many try and succeed?
According to the manufacturers it was a “hand held device for traversing the chrono scape” which transported a willing volunteer through the vortex of time itself. “Feuled by raw liquid ether held in the containment vessel at the bottom,” they continued, “the user had only to wind the clockwork mechanism at the top the desired number of times to initiate chronoporting.” Fair enough.
Ah, but did it work? At $100,000 it bloody well should have! Now if it had been on offer for $9.99 I’d be a bit skeptical myself, but if it costs that much then it had to be real. Plus they have photographic proof of its chronosphere-surfing attributes, apparently, which you can view here: As aul owl used to say, I want to believe!
On the whole I think my favorite part of their sales pitch though, aside from their offer of the chance to navigate the boundaries of eternity itself, had to be their disclaimer:
Watts Industries Accepts no responsibility for chronofreeze, ingestion by theropods, Vexatious encounters with robots and infantication. If raw liquid ether is ingested seek medical attention yesterday.
Time flew? Don’t say you weren’t warned!