Since you felt at liberty to post your question publicly wondering, among other things, what strange, isolated, and remote part of the universe I inhabit these days.
I feel at liberty to write these thoughts in answer.
I have been thinking and reflecting seriously since the beginning of summer and the resurfacing of some unexpected feelings.
After I left the audio industry I realized fully that 'the one' would live permanently in a save niche in my heart. Many uninvited happenings intruded into my life, and as the years went by I composed to the idea of an impossible love. I could sit for hours trying to remember all the details about him and comfort myself with the feeling that if I died and people examined my heart they would find his name engraved on it.
When I occasionally came at close proximity I was terrified that I might be carried away by an impulsive act of mine. It was during the summer Olympics that my cousin, who was riding with the German Equestrian team, needed something out of the ordinary, urgently. We drove out to the Red Barn feed and saddlery. Bad idea! For weeks I felt devastatingly sad. But, ‘I was fine'.
So I made absolutely certain that in future I would keep a very long and cool distance. I put my heart into the deep freeze and my feelings into mothballs. And, 'I was fine'.
Until this summer, when an innocent conversation brought on this thunderclap from hell and my very emotional reaction (you can add your own adjectives of choice here I'm sure it's appropriate).
I am sorry to confess, that I have not recently allowed my prudent? nature to guide me and for that I apologize. Regardless, today that nature needs to dialog without wanting, or asking for anything, but just to say that all of me, the serene and the emotional, the good and the bad, the relaxed and the tense loves this man most dearly.